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Etikette-bok
Läst 1106 ggr
[KiwieMie]
2013-10-17 18:17

Kritik på ett kapitel ur en e-bok (eng).

Önskar få lite hjälpsam kritik på denna lilla del ur en av mina E-böcker. Detta är ej början av denna berättelse, så förstår om allt verkar lite förvirrande. 

"Little boy - strange and humble - come with me, this dark night. Little boy - odd and fumble - follow me, this silent night. As the full moon rise - the creatures arrive - come with me, this dark night. As the children cry - the creatures thrive - follow me, this silent night. A quiet girl trekked under the starry sky, with a rope in her hand. The end of the rope was tied around a filthy boy’s neck, a boy that walked on all fours - like the dog he was. A bright moon shone in the sky, causing long shadows  to form behind them. Shadows that seemed to follow them like pray, haunting shadows.

 Many believed that the hairy boy would never become a wolf, but he knew he was already a wolf - he couldn’t become something he already was, of course. As he stood there - tied to a spruce - he waited for his pack to arrive. His howls echoed through the dark forest, and the special girl could hear him from far, far away. Now he was finally free, free in the deep forest. His wish was granted, by a very special girl. During the night, he howled, and when dawn arrived, he howled. He howled and howled, until the wolves finally arrived.

What a lucky child, he was."

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Zynell
2013-10-18 08:19
#1

Väldigt bra skrivet, tycker jag. Jag måste erkänna att jag blir nyfiken på boken. Det enda som jag tycker är lite onödigt är meningen "he couldn't become something he already was, of course". Den känns överflödig. 

En annan sak jag kan föreslå att byta ut "arrived" to "came" vid "and when dawn arrived". Blir annars lite hackigt eftersom du har "arrived" igen i nästa mening. 

Lycka till med boken! 🙂

Niklas
2013-10-18 09:29
#2

Jag gillade särskilt första stycket. I andra stycket fastnade jag lite på Ekot i skogen. Kan det eka i en vanlig skog? Jag tror inte det. 🙂


Vänliga hälsningar, Niklas
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